Hormones Make Me Crazy

When I was a teenager, it did not take very much to make me cry. Seriously, I cried all of the time. If someone told me that I had a stain on my pants, I would cry. If my mom told me that something I said was out of line, I would cry. And then I would cry because I was crying about something so ridiculous. And you know what a big part of the problem was?? Hormones. Freaking hormones. I am not kidding when I tell you that in the past 10 years or so, I have cried maybe a total of 10 times. (Okay, caveat to that statement...mushy movies totally do not count. Watching The Notebook, Steel Magnolias, Beaches, etc...will make me cry every.single.time I watch them) But those 10 times were when I wasn't pregnant.

When I am pregnant, I cry at the some of the silliest things. I become uber paranoid that people don't like me, I think the Hubs is ready to leave me at the drop of the hat. Basically, I am a hot mess. And I'm just NOT an emotional person normally. I have been told that I act more like a guy than a girl sometimes. Until those pesky hormones kick in and I just feel like I can't control my emotions at all!! And along with not being able to control my emotions, I also seem to want to eat everything in sight. Some people might think, "Just don't eat so much." But that's just plain ridiculousness. Because, hello?? I buy food to eat, not to sit in the fridge. So now, I'm emotional, fat, and lugging around emotional love-handles, which is super-exhausting. So I sleep. A LOT!!

And now I'm thinking: I can't wait to have a newborn around. The sleeplessness, crankiness, never-ending diaper changing is going to really be a welcome relief. Seriously, this may be the hormones talking, but I'm super psyched about having so much more to do than just blobbing it out on the couch. Because even though I can't wait to leave work after dealing with emotional preggos for 12 hours at a time, I can't stop watching baby shows on TV. Oh, and on top of all of that?? Thanksgiving is next week. I certainly hope my family members aren't planning on taking any leftovers home, because those are mine. Because I'm pregnant. And I'm hungry, and I might cry if someone eats so much food that I can't gorge myself for a week after Thanksgiving.

Super? Not Even Close...

I saw a commercial the other day that said, "Nobody wants to be remembered as being average." I think the commercial was for a phone, but the words are so very true. I don't ever aim to be better than anyone else at any one certain thing, but I know I've always put everything I can into everything I do. Which just makes the rest of this post so hard to write.

Let me explain: Even though there are some things that I am good at, I've never been great at anything. I love to sing, and I've been in choir since 1st grade, but I was never specifically sought out to sing solos. I love being a nurse and love being a part of babies coming into the world, but I need to work for several more years before I would consider myself a good nurse. In December, the Hubs and I will celebrate our 9th anniversary, but I know I'm not going to get a "Wife of the Year" award any time in the near future.

So, when the Hubs and I started trying to plan a family, I thought, "Here is my chance to truly be great at something. I'm going to the be best mom I can be." I didn't want to be Supermom, or even June Cleaver, but I wanted my kids to see me as being Supermom. And then life happened. Stress happened. Exhaustion happened. Two kids going through toddler years at the same time happened. Being a single mom for 3 years happened. And I now find myself becoming somewhat forgettable to my kids. The Hubs has been so amazing with taking over the majority of the parenting since he's been home, and at first I thought, "He really needs this time with the kids." But now I'm the outsider, even though I'm here at home. The kids now go to Daddy first for their needs, and don't seem to mind too much if Mommy is there or not. The one thing in my life I thought I could be great at, and I've allowed myself to only be average. I didn't WANT to be average, I ALLOWED it.

The new baby will be here in less than 3 months, and I feel like it's a deadline I have to repair my relationship with Punkin-head and Baby Girl. I don't take anything away from the bond that the Hubs and the kids have, I just wish I hadn't let my bonds with the kids suffer. This isn't a pity party, it's a recall to reality, and trying to be more present in the day-to-day with my babies. It starts today with the pumpkin patch.

All Grown Up

From the time my babies were created, they have relied on me to protect, nurture and take care of them. And after they joined the world, they have expected help from several different people in order to accomplish different things. With each new thing that they can do alone, I get excited and a little bit sad. Excited because my little baby is becoming more independent and so much more grown-up. Sad because that is one more thing my teeny, tiny little person does not need my help with. Punkin-head and Baby Girl have both told me, "No, mommy, I can do it by myself." And in my head, I think, "Yay!! One less thing I need to worry about right now. Wait. Wait just a second. Stop growing up and needing me less."

And so, with all of this self-sufficiency, I have found myself holding onto so much more with my little babies. Which brings me to the dentist appointment last week. The dental tech came out to the waiting room and said my son's name. I stood up and walked over to her with him and she told me, "Oh, he gets to go back all by himself since he's over the age of 3." I'm sorry...WHAT?? He goes back all by himself and has his very own dental appointment...BY HIMSELF?? I said, "Really?? I can't go back with him??" She told me, "Don't worry. He'll be just fine." Well, great. I know he'll be fine, but I'm not. My little man walked back there and as I watched the door close behind him, I seriously started to cry a little. I have been there for him for everything, and now he's big enough to go by himself.

Thankfully, Baby Girl got called back to her appointment at the same time, and I went back with her. I held her in my lap as the tech cleaned her teeth and the dentist examined her cute little smile. Then Punkin-head came walking around the corner with a big grin on his face and a bag of dental goodies for being such a good patient. He was so proud of himself for being such a big kid. And I was proud that he was able to be so good all by himself. I told him I was so happy that he did so well, and he was such a big boy now. Then the dentist said, "We'll see you back in 6 months. And next time, she'll be able to go back by herself too." Oh, well, isn't that just peachy??

Reunions and Whatnot

The first and most important reunion in the past couple of weeks was the day that the Hubs came home. And this time, it's for good. I think :) No, really. He really is back to stay, and I have officially resigned as a single mom. Ta-da!! Since he's been back, I've gained 5 pounds, the house is cleaner, and pictures have actually been hung on the walls. About 5 days after he came home, we drove up to Colorado for my 10 year high school reunion. Because nothing says, "Welcome home honey!!" like a 13 hour road trip with 2 toddlers and a cranky pregnant wife.

Aside from the fact that it just feels wrong to be old enough to attend any kind of reuinion, it was so strange being back in my hometown. Strange because so much has changed, and yet, the atmosphere of the town is exactly the same. And I don't miss it at all. Wait, not true. I totally miss some of the food. I don't think I ever stopped eating while I was there. But I don't have any ties to the town anymore. Sure, it's great to see old friends, but the truth is that I probably won't be back there for a very long time. It's strange to "go home" again, when it doesn't feel like I ever really lived there at all. And maybe I didn't. Perhaps I was just staying there for a while before I moved on with my life. So...the trip home was bittersweet, to say the least.

And now?? Now we are living an extremely mundane life. I work, and the Hubs is looking for a job. He's taken over a lot of the day-to-day chores (and I'm not complaining), and we just hang out together. For now we are just taking things one day at a time, and that feels pretty good.

You're Not an Expert

This may come off as a little snippy, but some things just need to be addressed. And sometimes it doesn't matter if you address a specific individual in person, they never seem to get the point, or they choose not to change old habits. So, here's a list of people that may have had similar experiences to mine, but that doesn't make them an expert:

-Just because you have a child, doesn't mean you are a parenting expert. This sentence speaks volumes, I just wish some people would actually read it. This doesn't mean that I wouldn't accept parenting advice, but really I don't need to hear how certain people would do things differently, and what I 'm doing wrong. Everyone makes mistakes in parenting, myself included.

-Just because you have a bank account, doesn't make you a financial expert. There are maybe 2 people in my life that I would go to for financial advice. And if I haven't asked you, then you aren't one of them.

-Just because you have money, doesn't mean you should spend it. I don't care if something is on sale. If it's not something I NEED to function in my life on a day-to-day basis, then I don't need to buy it. 75% off or not.

-Just because you have a driver's license, doesn't mean you are a good driver.

-Just because you've had more education more than me, doesn't make you better. It also doesn't give someone the right to talk down to me, or talk to me like I don't know what I'm doing, because CLEARLY, nobody could ever be as super good and awesome as you are, ALL of the time, because YOU NEVER make any mistakes.

I may be a little grouchy lately, and I may be able to blame it on the pregnancy hormones for a little bit longer. Regardless, the above statements are still true. Pregnant or not.

Finally Have the Internet Back

When I didn't have access to the internet on my home computer, I seriously thought I was going to die. Because, let's be honest, my cell phone internet access is really less than ideal. But other than checking in on Facebook once in a while, I truly didn't miss it at all. Oh yeah, and a couple of my bills may be a couple of days late because the only good part about the internet is online bill pay. But really, I only use the internet to check Facebook, pay bills, and check my email once a month. And then I started having so many amazing things that I wanted to put on my blog, but I didn't have access to it. So here are some seriously random thoughts that I have been thinking lately:

1. Not really a random thought, but Punkin-head turned 4 last week. It was heartbreaking to think of my little boy AS A LITTLE BOY and not a toddler anymore. In a couple of months, he'll be going to school. WHAT??!! That makes me even more sad, but although I truly love him to pieces, I truly need a break from his tantrums lately. They are epic. (But nothing is really as bad as Baby Girl right now. I think I may need to call a priest for her and bathe her in holy water soon.)

2. I do NOT understand how people can complain about the lack of funds that they have, and yet spend, spend, spend. Just because something is on sale, doesn't mean you need to buy it. The Hubs and I are comfortable with our finances right now, but the only things I spend money on are bills, food, and gifts for other people. What happened to saving money?? And if someone has enough money for luxuries, then they shouldn't have the luxury of complaining about how they don't have enough money.

3. Yes, I am pregnant. Yes, I've been pregnant before. That is where the similarities end. I have never had this extreme exhaustion with my other pregnancies. I have never had morning sickness or all day nausea before. I've never been this irritable and cranky with my other pregnancies. So I wish people would stop saying stupid crap like, "Gee, aren't you used to this by now?? " "Welcome to pregnancy!! HAHAHAHA!!" No, I don't feel welcome and I'm not used to it. And for the record, I'm glad it's us having a 3rd baby and not you, too. Yeah, our lives are going to be loony tunes for a while, but that doesn't invite stupid comments. Done and done.

And so, next time I actually have a story to tell, I have the ability to tell it. It may not be a good story, but I promise it won't be so random. Or, maybe it will. But nobody is making you read it.

What the...I Have a Blog??

Okay, so the past month or so has been somewhat of a blur. The Hubs came back for a little vacay from the desert at the end of April and stayed until May 19th. In that time, there was a lot of bow-chicka-wow-wow going on (sorry for the TMI, I truly have no filter at 4 am), and a lot of the Hubs taking extra good care of me. I'm not going to lie, I super liked it a lot. I mean, honestly, he made me this breakfast bagel that is pretty much the most amazing thing I've ever tasted in the form of a breakfast entree. And even though I dictated exactly how I wanted it made, the point is that I didn't have to cook any part of it or put it together. And I didn't have to clean up afterwards, which is the bestest part of all.

Okay, so apart from all of the me and Hubs time we had (and it was super great), turns out we also have 2 rambunctious little toddlers that also wanted to monopolize Daddy while he was home. He is so amazing with them, and they are on him like white on rice while he is home. I may as well not even be here when Super Dad is around. And that's okay, because I have plenty of Mommy time while he is away.

And if all of that love and warm fuzziness wasn't enough, we also bought a house. Yay!! It's huge and beautiful, and we love it to pieces. The kids can't stop talking about how much they love their "new house." I think it's because they have their own little kid space upstairs where they can escape from the adult world. Which is fine with me, because the Hubs went and knocked me up while he was home. That's right...we are pregnant. Again. And about 2 weeks ago, I was all like, "Oh yay!! I'm so nervous, and excited, and I want the nursery to be an owl theme." But now, I feel like vomiting 24-7, and then when I do feel like eating, I overeat to compensate for the fact that most of the time food literally makes me puke in my mouth, which then makes me feel overly sick. So, that sucks. And if that weren't enough, I am so freaking exhausted all...of...the...time; I think I may have pregnancy-induced narcolepsy. Fun mom has left the building. I plan activities around how much I can lay on the couch, and how long I can stay in bed in the mornings before the kids plan a mutiny and finally get me up and going. Which may explain the very obvious lack of posts for the past month.

So, when I actually have the energy to do something more than haul my overactive bladder to the bathroom, I will try to keep this updated fairly regularly from here on out. But for now, I need to swallow down some vomit and go to bed.