I saw a commercial the other day that said, "Nobody wants to be remembered as being average." I think the commercial was for a phone, but the words are so very true. I don't ever aim to be better than anyone else at any one certain thing, but I know I've always put everything I can into everything I do. Which just makes the rest of this post so hard to write.
Let me explain: Even though there are some things that I am good at, I've never been great at anything. I love to sing, and I've been in choir since 1st grade, but I was never specifically sought out to sing solos. I love being a nurse and love being a part of babies coming into the world, but I need to work for several more years before I would consider myself a good nurse. In December, the Hubs and I will celebrate our 9th anniversary, but I know I'm not going to get a "Wife of the Year" award any time in the near future.
So, when the Hubs and I started trying to plan a family, I thought, "Here is my chance to truly be great at something. I'm going to the be best mom I can be." I didn't want to be Supermom, or even June Cleaver, but I wanted my kids to see me as being Supermom. And then life happened. Stress happened. Exhaustion happened. Two kids going through toddler years at the same time happened. Being a single mom for 3 years happened. And I now find myself becoming somewhat forgettable to my kids. The Hubs has been so amazing with taking over the majority of the parenting since he's been home, and at first I thought, "He really needs this time with the kids." But now I'm the outsider, even though I'm here at home. The kids now go to Daddy first for their needs, and don't seem to mind too much if Mommy is there or not. The one thing in my life I thought I could be great at, and I've allowed myself to only be average. I didn't WANT to be average, I ALLOWED it.
The new baby will be here in less than 3 months, and I feel like it's a deadline I have to repair my relationship with Punkin-head and Baby Girl. I don't take anything away from the bond that the Hubs and the kids have, I just wish I hadn't let my bonds with the kids suffer. This isn't a pity party, it's a recall to reality, and trying to be more present in the day-to-day with my babies. It starts today with the pumpkin patch.
