Birth Plan, Shmirth Plan

Before I even became pregnant, I went to the bookstore and bought a pregnancy book. It was witty, informative and so much fun to read. When I actually got knocked up, I got 2 more books and literally read them front to back multiple times. It was an obsession, and I kept them on my nightstand to read every single night. I practically had all 3 of them memorized. So when it came time to make a birth plan, I thought I was well-informed and ready to have my baby the way I wanted to have him. I researched everything that had to do with the labor process, took a Lamaze/childbirth class, and went with my own instinct before I sat down to write it. I used my best hand-writing and even made 2 copies to take with me to the birthing center.

Cue to the day I went into labor, and I forgot my birth plan at home. I was contracting every 3 minutes, and I truly did not care at that moment what my birth plan was because I was in so much pain. I told my nurse that I wanted to go natural, so she let me get into the tub and used a doppler for my baby's heart beat every 30 minutes. It was fabulous. Then my son's heartbeat starting decreasing after every contraction, so they had me get into bed so they could monitor me more closely. When I got out of the tub, my contractions were so intense, I thought I was going to die. Very literally, I felt like my body was going to rip itself apart. I cried and begged for an epidural, and my nurse finally called the anesthesiologist to come and see me. The epidural is absolutely, 100% the best invention of all time. I didn't care that I didn't follow my birth plan, because in the end, my body knew that I couldn't handle the pain of labor on my own.

Punkin-head's heart rate was going down after every contraction because the cord was tightly wrapped around his little neck twice and it was cutting off his oxygen supply. So the epidural had nothing to do with his medical issues prior to birth. I seriously hate when people give me the stink eye when I talk about the epidural or pain medication. Unless you've been through labor, then you have nothing to compare it to. So don't get on my case for how I chose to handle my pain.

At work, we have to ask the patient if they have a birth plan that they want us to follow. But if they have a birth plan, they will usually let me know as soon as they walk in the door. Most of the time, they're very snippy about it, and it just comes off as condescending and rude. Here's my question for all of the women out there that form a birth plan. I know you researched your butt off, and want the very best for your little baby based on your instinct and your own personal beliefs about the birthing process. But have any of you researched the hospital or birthing center that you plan on delivering at?? Because I have one word for you: POLICIES. Our policies are meant to protect the mom, baby, and the staff for every single thing that could possibly happen during delivery. And let me give you all a little hint: Doctors have lives too. And they have doctors that work on call for them so they don't have to work 24-7, 365 days a year. So before you go getting all birth planny, talk extensively with your doctor, the hospital/birthing center you plan on delivering, and find out what the other doctors/midwives feel about your birth plan. There, birth plan vent over.